I think one of the hardest parts of being a special needs mother is not in the actual parenting, but being the parent. Parents of special needs kids tend to be under far more scrutiny than parents of normal kids. That is due to the sad fact that special needs individuals are oftentimes hurt or exploited more easily. Still, it’s unfortunate and unfair that parents who have the challenge of caring for a child must also be punished in some ways by being held to a higher standard. This is even more difficult for the parent of a child who is abusive and self-inflicts injury. My normal child can fall down and scratch themselves and it’s okay. Presumably this is because they can tell their teacher what happened. If Raif does that, there are calls from the school, notes sent home, and letters from us explaining what happened.

Recently we cut Raif’s hair. Anyone with an autistic child knows how fun that can be! But I’ll save that for another post. Anyhow, Raif has a big issue with the little pieces of hair. They itch him. Heck, they itch me! They bother Raif so much that at one point he bolted out of the chair while I was buzz-cutting him, and went and ran his head under the water faucet. During the same session, he also ran into the bathroom, half-shorn, stripped off his clothes, and jumped in the bathtub. When we finally managed to finish the job, nearly 45 minutes later, he did shower. Apparently, even after hosing off, his neck still itched and it bothered him enough to scratch and draw blood. We got a note in his bag from the nurse about it. I should note, the scratches were so small and minor, we didn’t notice them until we were asked about it. I know it’s standard procedure to question all injuries, but the fact of the matter is when you get a letter from the nurse inquiring about something like this, it’s upsetting. Particularly when it was obvious Raif’s hair was just cut and you could put 2 and 2 together. You realize that despite the obvious, the fact that you have a special needs kid creates doubt. Since it’s known parenting a child can be overwhelming, there is the presumption that abuse can and will happen. When you get a note or a call questioning, it’s uncomfortable, even if you’ve “been there-done that” 100 times before.

I remember the time Raif’s first grade teacher called me on the phone and accused me of beating Raif because he had black and blue marks on his forehead. Despite the fact that he had page after page of documentation in his record noting his severe head-banging. Thankfully there haven’t been a lot of calls or letters over the years, but enough that it makes the challenge of being a special needs parent just that much harder.

I know it’s just another thing. One of many. Usually I’m okay with it, but going through other personal trials, it’s another thing on top of the pile that I would rather not deal with right now. It weighs on a person, knowing that somewhere, someone is wondering if you are abusing your child. Even if they say they are okay with your explanation, are they really? The best you can do is give your explanations, follow up with letters to the file (something I think is very important), and continue to do your best to be a good parent. That’s what I do and what I will continue to do. It’s still hard.